Double Entendre

Have I created just another way to hide from myself? My life is good, healthy, happy and I live it very contentedly most of the time. There is great love in my life, work to support me, and creative endeavors to challenge my mind. These aspects are anyone needs to live a good life. There are shadows in my mind that I cannot explain. I don’t try to analyze them anymore, I just live with them and accept that there are times when those shadows will cloud all of my thoughts.

“Maybe I’m the one who is the schizophrenic psycho” Puddle of Mudd

Why isn’t it enough for me? I still want to run away from the distractions and demands made on my energy and time. I need to be in the place that is mine alone. I have shared as much of myself as I can without losing myself. I’m sorry that I have disappointed you by not sharing that place in my imagination. You thought it a scary place when you took a glimpse. It isn’t you that I don’t want, it is what you want that I can’t share. I want to be close, but not too close. I want to share my thoughts and fun, but not too often. I need to be alone. I don’t want to start fires that I may not be able to temper. There is enough to complicate my emotions. I won’t allow more.

“I never meant to be
So cold…
I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me” Crossfade

I come close to reaching the top of the proverbial mountain, but fall before I reach the top. Almost acheiving some small greatness, but never pushing quite far enough to say that I accomplished something. I am more than mediocre. I only pretend to be the person that you liked so much, thought was beautiful and wanted to love. I am only a shadow of the wit you thought you bantered with, the intelligence you thought you recognized. You are better without me.

“Fake it, if you’re out of direction
Fake it if you don’t belong
Yeah, fake it if you feel like affection
Whoa, you’re such a fuckin’ hypocrite” Seether

I’m such a fucking hypocrite.

You can’t really tell by what you see here, but I am in experienced blogger. I’ve kept a real life journal type blog, of a particular niche for 18 months now. It has been nurtured, promoted, linked to and quoted. A Google page rank of 5 (wtf-ever that really means) and a small, but consistent number of hits per day. The real life blog has a specific niche that is well respected by others of the same genre. The blog is as successful as it can be. It is far from Huffpo, but I never intended to be that ambitious. I just wanted to have fun with it. I did have fun with it - now, I’m bored to tears with it.

I found Second Life through a fellow blogger (amongst other sources) and signed up. It’s obvious that I became fascinated and addicted. I am really thinking of just letting the other blog sit in innernets limbo land while I pursue this one and enjoy my Second Life. Blogging is really just an ego trip, a way to feed the inherent human need to be noticed and heard in small way. I don’t care too much if anyone even reads what I write; I just want to be able to write. People generally respond to that.

I haven’t revealed the Double Entendre to anyone that I know, nor have I given anyone I’ve met in Second Life my real life identity. It isn’t that hard to find out if anyone truly wanted to find it, but I enjoy the feeling that my second lives are far removed from reality. I like writing this way, without the eyes of family or co-workers gazing at my words. All of this leads up to this point: the Double Entendre will continue and evolve the way that blogs and Second Lives do.

Lady Mandylia and I will have two distinct voices on the blog from this point forward. Mandylia is a specific character who has a specific role in Second Life on the Avilion sims. I want to further the integrity of that character by keeping her the medieval, elf, druid that she is. I know it is strange, but it actually feels weird to take Mandylia out of Avilion and her usual activities on Spirit Mountain and the Brahma Ashram. Her character is much nobler, than I. She is a visualization of a better, more mystical and spiritual self. She is also an opportunity to live out a story. A culmination of favorite characters already written and the ones I have held in my imagination for so many years.

I, on the other hand, was only created because it seemed so strange to go to a live rock music performance as a druid elf. I am the voice of the One Responsible for Our Existence and enjoying the freedom of just being. I am much quieter than Mandylia, who has a lengthy friends list and a schedule of activities. Slipping into the account of Melynn Dreamscape is a little like a cell phone being turned off. No one is really demanding my attention, which can be lonely - and blissful. I like being alone, but I love company. Duplicitous in nature, I am. A double entendre.

The mechanics of the blog will evolve too. I decided on this no cost, push-button easy WordPress account instead of the self hosted blog that I already have. It has limitations that I am finding a little frustrating, but that may be because I am just unaccustomed to them. The great part is having the blog instantly accessible through keyword searches and Google searches. It took me at least a couple of months to get that going on my own. I may move this blog to a host of its own at some point, but for now, I am going to enjoy just posting pictures and writing without taking the time to web master.

Welcome to my ego.  It ain’t much, but it’s mine.